WHAT WAS, WHAT IS AND WHAT CAN BE

Over the years I have questioned myself  regarding the kind of parent I was, I beat myself up over and over; now that I am “up in years” I no longer beat myself up over what was but try to focus on what is and what can be. The perfect parent does not exist, never has, never will. Each of us parents is unique just as God intended ( I do not include in this any parent who wishes they were not a parent or those who are abusive to their children) ……God is our only perfect parent.  I coined a phrase a long time ago and it is this: “I did the best I knew how to do at the time, and when I knew better I did better.” 

I did not grow up in a home where family hugged or said I love you – this was not common, in the 50’s, and where I grew up, at least I did not witness this among anyone I knew. BUT, I always knew that my parents loved me by their gestures day in and day out. When I reached adulthood and made my own decisions and choices they were not always the same choices that my parents wanted me to make and admittedly I rebelled a bit by vowing I would do some things differently. But they raised me to be responsible, to work hard for what I wanted in life, to be accountable for my own actions, to be a kind and caring person, to help others; they taught me by example, how they lived their lives.

Then, I married at age 19 – straight from daddy’s home to a life with a husband – I was ill prepared for this transition. I was shy and short on self-esteem. My new husband was a strong-willed person, intelligent in many ways; his way was THE WAY to do things, how you should feel and think and he was not at all affectionate. Sadly, I was not mature enough to see those qualities before I took the plunge into married life and I was also raised with this: “you made your bed now lie in it.” Many years later my parents took that part back and saw that my life and that of my children’s was not a good one and actually encouraged me to move back home and they would help me to raise the children.  But you see, they also raised me to not be a quitter and I was determined to not be a quitter. I also wanted to be independent as they had taught me to be so moving “back home” was out of the question. Seven years of marriage produced six of the most wonderful children I could ever have dreamed for. Now the problems mounted……not because of them but because I, their mother, did not have the gumption to stand up for what she believed in and in her heart knew was right. As I had one baby after another, the joy and love of holding them, kissing them, laughing with them, I realized that I wanted this family of mine to be one that knew how it felt to be hugged and to be told how much they were loved.  I envisioned fun days in the park, fun vacations, going to see them in any activities in which they participated, go to church and Sunday school as a family; how that would become a reality, well, I had no idea and I did not know at the time how I would be derailed at my every attempt. I was not “allowed” to hug and kiss my children beyond their toddler years – I would be “turning them into sissies and weaklings.” So after everyone was asleep I crept into their rooms and gave them kisses, stroked their dear sweet faces and just stared at these beautiful children of mine. When they got older sports were strongly discouraged as were most extra-curricular activities; a couple of them actually did play a sport for a short time and when the first child participated everything seemed okay but after that it was no longer allowed and teaching them about God was out of the question; he wanted them to from their own opinions about God and not what we would teach them and he told me that he was an atheist. That was a blow to me as I definitely did not share that belief. As the children grew, I grew too, but I did not grow in strength fast enough to make my children’s lives easier and happier. When I finally had enough nerve to, on my own, approve of participation in any extra-curricular activities I was, however, strongly discouraged from attending those activities. The last two children had a much stronger momma and she attended whenever they were involved in anything and took an active part in their young lives. 

I did try to raise my children to lead responsible lives, to be accountable for their actions, to be independent and caring human beings and they are all that and so much more. I stressed that they could always come to me with anything, that I would always be there for them and that I would always help them in any way that I could. I vowed that I would not be a mom who would suffocate her children or make them feel guilty if they did not call me regularly or spend time with me regularly. Do I absolutely love time with them, whether in person, a phone call or an e-mail? You bet I do! Any contact made by them in my direction makes for a more than a perfect day for me because I know it comes from their hearts and not from a feeling of obligation. The love and respect that I have for each of them, far exceeds anything that I could put onto paper.

Today, my children get hugs from me whenever they see me and they frequently hear me tell them that I love them. Do I see them very often?  Very few of them, but that is okay as they have growing families, jobs and friends and there are only so many hours in a day. My grandchildren and great-grandchildren will always know me as a Gramma and GG who hugged them, told them that she loves them, comes to see them in activities in which they participate and will be here for them always. 

To anyone, reading this, who judges others without knowing their story, I pray that you will hold your judgments.  For anyone who may read this who is experiencing anything similar, please know that a brighter tomorrow is possible.

 It has taken me many years to grow into a strong and independent woman who is not afraid of expressing how she feels, who knows that her feelings and opinions have worth and  who acknowledges the mistakes that she made along the way and that she still makes from time to time. 

PS: I am now married to man who shows affection freely, loves God, values family and never, never discourages me from doing the things about which I feel deeply.  Thank you God.